Have you ever had someone say something quite hurtful, and then when you react – you get the “I was just joking” defensive response?  WHAT IS THAT!?

It is a passive aggressive insult that can also be considered gaslighting and manipulative. 

Truly “joking” is a fun, silly, and light-hearted behavior.  We recognize the value and general positive intent of jokes. That is different than the “Jeez, I was just joking” defense, which bluntly is just an angry lie when someone is confronted with something disrespectful that they said.

“But I was just joking,” is used by people when they are in trouble for being rude or caught in a deception.  This statement often conceals anger and aggression; saying it’s a joke, blaming you for reacting after a hurtful statement, doesn’t take away the ugliness of their words.

Ultimately, it’s about maturity, responsibility, and integrity. Our words matter - they reveal our unspoken intents and feelings. When those intentions and motivations are harmful, part of being an adult is that we “own” those words and the feelings they revealed – not cover them up with “Jeesh, it was just a joke,” but instead to own and acknowledge the consequences of their words.

A couple of ways to respond to that joke statement:

“I’m surprised by that…I’m surprised with that false defense,” and let it go.

Or… “It doesn’t sound like a joke, it sounds like a dysfunctional defense issue that I won’t take in,” and then disengage.