To Be Heard, or Not to Be Heard, THAT is the Question

Wanting/needing to be heard, is one of life’s most difficult and lonely situations. When we do not “feel heard,” it can be isolating, lonely, and feels as if we are disconnected from people.

This loneliness has escalated now that a lot of people work from home, so they no longer even have the camaraderie of co-workers – making friends at work to talk to, hear you, and reciprocating that friendship back to them to – which is also needed for good mental health; to be cared about, and to care about others.

We have lost a lot of that – AND if you are in an intimate relationship where you do not feel heard, it goes deeper.

How did we lose that connection we had with our significant other? What happened to staying up “half the night just talking?” Well, life happens, bills happen, arguments that drive us away from one another – and here we are now, not “really” talking. We create communication patterns; same lines being said in an argument, and incorrect perceptions of what is being said. We get distant and settle for small talk because it is safe.

What is the result? Loneliness, isolation, distance.

Often, both people just want to:

Be heard

Feel acknowledged

Feel loved and cared about

While the other person is not really ‘hearing the struggle,’ but is:

Focusing on what they are going to say when you stop talking.

Simply not acknowledging the other’s pain.

Focused on ‘fixing the problem.’

Offering advice or even ‘telling’ us what to do.

We do not come away from this kind of interaction feeling connected, validated, loved.

How do we communicate that “being heard, accepted, and cared about without judgement” is ‘what’ we are really seeking?

First, recognize what is really going on, that this lack of connection is really the issue, not the actual subject that you were trying to talk about.

If the ‘connectivity is improved,’ it won’t matter what subject is being talked about, it will land, and connection/understanding will happen.

Second, learn communication skills together – through talking, reading, counseling, podcasts, whatever it takes to learn ‘how to’ communicate together. If your partner doesn’t want to participate, learn on your own.

No matter who we are, we can always learn better/more effective communication skills!

It is a life-long quest really.